Dear Jersey Shore

Dear Jersey Shore,

What a glorious show you are. It's not just the wonderful way you live up to every negative stereotype about Italian Americans. No, no, there's so much more to you. There's the drinking, the hot tubbing, the making out in the hot tub while drinking, the punching women in the face while drunk. The picking up drunk people at bars, before bringing them back to the hot tub to get drunker and make out, before "smooshing" in one of the bedrooms, while one of the night vision cameras capture it. Yes, those are all special treats for the nation and your presumably lovely families to enjoy. Having said that, maybe a couple things to work on.

First of all, I won't call you by your nicknames. Let me explain. You can't nickname yourself something that is greater than you are. When you call yourself Sweetheart, it negates the attributes that coincide with the definition of a Sweetheart. At least add a little more information to the nickname that describes your unique attributes. For example, "JWOW", maybe try "JWOWMYBOOBSANDHAIRAREREALLYFAKE". Also ladies, the thinner the eye brow, the bigger the...I think 'trashy slut' is a strong term, but I think it's the right term. And Snookie, for you I would say this: stay just the way you are. You're "Dirty"-era-Christina-Aguilera thing is really perfect for you. And don't go to college, I think it might change you. And, keep calling every guy you meet "your guy". You only need a few minutes on the dance floor to know when he's "the one". And when you bring him home and he seems as if he's not listening to you and then vomits without warning, clean him up and let him know you care about him. And if it doesn't work out (it will), keep looking for a "Juice Head". This is a good idea.

To the guys, I will only say this: be thankful. The fact that any of you cause even the slightest, tiniest bit of sexual arousal in any living, breathing female is difficult for me to understand. What I'm saying is, I didn't think there was anyone in the world who would want to have sex with you. Not even one. Not even if there was a group of already gay prison inmates who were given the chance to cast a homoerotic Ultimate Fighting porn video, and you were the only guys at the audition. Not even then. And yet, you seem to be having great luck with the ladies. All of them. I watched you ditch two girls for two other girls in a convertible, and they all end up at your house. Granted, one of them was a "grenade" as you put it, but I think even a grenade could find better options. I guess it must be harder than I realize to avoid being seduced by promises of hot tubbing and lotsa f***in' booze. A lesson for me.

Thank you for all you do. Please don't ever leave me. And Snooks, don't let getting punched in the face stop you from going back to the same bars, where those same people frequent. Those are good places to go.

All the best,
Heidi