Monday, December 28, 2009

Craigslist and Torrid Love Affairs


Another amazingly real find on Craigslist:


"Northern Lights by Nora Roberts (North Hollywood)


This book has normal wear and tear, but a good book (been made into a movie). It's a hard back, pretty heavy, would like gone soon...its FREE afterall!!!"


It's been made into a movie, why wouldn't you want it??? I wondered what made this person decide they needed to get rid of this book RIGHT NOW. One book, a clutter does not make. Then I saw the above picture and realized, it was the set of this movie where Leann Rhimes began the torrid affair that broke up her marriage, if that doesn't make the book worth a read, I don't know what does.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Mall Rap




I have worried about the state of hip hop for some time now. The vapid lyrics about shopping, chains, shopping for chains, sex, Escalades, stripper poles and sex on water beds. Remember when hip hop used to be about guns, violence, ghetto life, retaliation and jacuzzi sex? What happened to the authenticity of those songs and artists? Well, some of those artists were shot, some abandoned music for reality shows and rehab, but I blame much of it on the gentrification of traditional hip hop hotbeds.




Recently I have received invites to hip shindigs in East LA, Boyle Heights and Long Beach. At best, the current climate in these neighborhoods would inspire raps about comic book stores, record stores and vintage clothing. Or maybe verses about purchasing a loft with an equally-artistic significant other, and making plans to co-pen a play about the artistic differences of post-modernistic British rockers. Apparently fed up with this hipster snobbery, the new hip hop crop moved on to the mall and went waterbed shopping.




I am happy that today's rappers seem to be enjoying themselves more, you know, getting out. I certainly prefer this to violence, but I was just wondering if we could get you to step out of the mall, stop blaming things on the alcohol and maybe just be cool. Jay-Z seems to have it figured out. Call Hype Williams, ask him what to do.




Kisses,


Heidi

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I Love Old People


If I could give you one tip it would be this: quit your jobs and go work in a retirement home!


Imagine inheriting 50 grandparents who are thrilled to have a fresh, young face around. You know how your grandmother sends you a card with $10 for birthdays and holidays? Wouldn't it be awesome if a bunch of grandmothers sent you $10? It is. Evidentally grandmothers love doing this. Whether they're your grandmother is unimportant.

But it's not just the cash rewards. Since I started work a month ago, life here has been nothing but muffins, chocolates, cupcakes, banana loaf, pumpkin loaf, carrot cake, peanut butter cups and walnut carmels. Gumbo and ribs, fried chicken, potato salad, and nachos. The residents do the majority of their Christmas shopping at See's candies and their relatives, grateful for the staff's neverending patience, bake and bake and bake and cook and cook and cook.


My boss even taught me the proper way to eat ribs: wrap the juicy goodness in white bread and devour. This makes it healthier. She also taught me the only place to buy ribs: LA. Seemed like a broad location, but she explained "LA" means anywhere near Slauson and Crenshaw. She says it's a place where white people can often be found timidly and awkwardly trying to order ribs.


Then there's the entertainment. The day begins with chair yoga. Not really a lot of yoga involved, but there are wrist circles, and head turns, which for most residents leads to chair napping. There are often visiting singing groups, some charming, many horrendous. It's fun to watch the residents looks of disdain when they don't like a performer. FYI, just because they're old doesn't mean they like cheeseball entertainment. Bingo is the most popular and serious of the activities. NEVER interfere with bingo, they will kill you.


But my absolute favorite part is the endless conversations with the residents. There's the lady who calls every movie "sticky", there's the lady who forgets where she is and asks for rolls of paper and tinfoil. There's the lady who loves to gossip and there's the lady with asian silk bathrobes. I know she has a past in espionage and intrigue. She bought me chocolates. I like her.


I didn't go to college for this. I started this because it was on craigslist. But I like it. I'm gonna go eat cake with my new grandmas.


Merry Christmas,

Heidi

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Dear Jersey Shore


Dear Jersey Shore,

What a glorious show you are. It's not just the wonderful way you live up to every negative stereotype about Italian Americans. No, no, there's so much more to you. There's the drinking, the hot tubbing, the making out in the hot tub while drinking, the punching women in the face while drunk. The picking up drunk people at bars, before bringing them back to the hot tub to get drunker and make out, before "smooshing" in one of the bedrooms, while one of the night vision cameras capture it. Yes, those are all special treats for the nation and your presumably lovely families to enjoy. Having said that, maybe a couple things to work on.

First of all, I won't call you by your nicknames. Let me explain. You can't nickname yourself something that is greater than you are. When you call yourself Sweetheart, it negates the attributes that coincide with the definition of a Sweetheart. At least add a little more information to the nickname that describes your unique attributes. For example, "JWOW", maybe try "JWOWMYBOOBSANDHAIRAREREALLYFAKE". Also ladies, the thinner the eye brow, the bigger the...I think 'trashy slut' is a strong term, but I think it's the right term. And Snookie, for you I would say this: stay just the way you are. You're "Dirty"-era-Christina-Aguilera thing is really perfect for you. And don't go to college, I think it might change you. And, keep calling every guy you meet "your guy". You only need a few minutes on the dance floor to know when he's "the one". And when you bring him home and he seems as if he's not listening to you and then vomits without warning, clean him up and let him know you care about him. And if it doesn't work out (it will), keep looking for a "Juice Head". This is a good idea.

To the guys, I will only say this: be thankful. The fact that any of you cause even the slightest, tiniest bit of sexual arousal in any living, breathing female is difficult for me to understand. What I'm saying is, I didn't think there was anyone in the world who would want to have sex with you. Not even one. Not even if there was a group of already gay prison inmates who were given the chance to cast a homoerotic Ultimate Fighting porn video, and you were the only guys at the audition. Not even then. And yet, you seem to be having great luck with the ladies. All of them. I watched you ditch two girls for two other girls in a convertible, and they all end up at your house. Granted, one of them was a "grenade" as you put it, but I think even a grenade could find better options. I guess it must be harder than I realize to avoid being seduced by promises of hot tubbing and lotsa f***in' booze. A lesson for me.

Thank you for all you do. Please don't ever leave me. And Snooks, don't let getting punched in the face stop you from going back to the same bars, where those same people frequent. Those are good places to go.

All the best,
Heidi

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Beautiful Couch In Excellent Condition!!!<<<<<


I'm shopping for furniture on Craigslist. Great little website you should all check out. That said, the owners all promise that their wares are in "good condition". Great plan furniture sellers. But keep in mind, when you include a picture, we can see what you're selling. No, really. Maybe pick the place up a bit before the photo shoot. Or at least prop up the pillows.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Obama Likes Us, From What I Can Tell


I don't think President Obama wants to destroy us. I really don't. My reponse to his actions is usually, "Well, if you think it's a good idea. 30,000 troops? You must have an excellent plan. Proceed my friend. Affordable healthcare? Let's do this." I feel this way because, from what I can tell, he doesn't have an evil agenda. Stay with me. From what I can tell, he isn't sending troops to Afghanistan with diabolical hopes of maximum casualties. When he talks about making insurance affordable for hard working Americans, I don't think he really wants to kill my grandma. My Grandma would be awfully upset if that were true. She likes him too. When he speaks, I think, "Well, shoot, that just makes sense." I appreciate that when he speaks, it seems as if he is actually saying what he thinks. Yes, it's still strange for me too, after eight years of the other.

This week the President addressed the sheisty banks that helped steer the country into its current predicament. I again had a strange reaction when I heard an excerpt from his interview with 60 Minutes. From what I can tell, he was expressing his genuine frustration and not delivering a cardboard political speech crafted by advisors:

"The people on Wall Street still don't get it. ... They're still puzzled why it is that people are mad at the banks. Well, let's see. You guys are drawing down $10, $20 million bonuses after America went through the worst economic year ... in decades and you guys caused the problem."

I hope Wall Street is no longer puzzled. Fairly straight forward, from what I can tell.

I do think Tyra is trying to destroy us.

All the brass,
Heidi

Sunday, December 13, 2009

A Texas I Can Get on Board With


Houston, Texas is full of open-minded, equality-striving liberals. Pick your jaws up off the floor, stereotypers! The city just elected its first openly gay mayor, Annise Parker. Way to go Texas! The news is especially reassuring since it happened in a state where gay marriage is still illegal. Parker is also only the second woman to become mayor of Houston. Parker told CNN, "Houston is a multiracial, multicultural, international city. And I think my election will send a message to the world that Houston is a city that might surprise a lot of folks." Well consider me surprised AND delighted, Governor Parker. So very brassy of you Texas.

Kisses,
Heidi

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Hip Hopsters


Ooh have I got some brass for you! Blakroc. Blakroc is what happens when bluesy indie rockers, The Black Keys, and some of the best hip hop artists make some dirty, dirty love in the studio. Roc-A-Fella Records co-founder Damon Dash is behind the project. I figured it would be hard for this much talent to go wrong, and I was right (I like talking about when I'm right). I highly recommend you check out the album, especially "Ain't Nothin' Like You (Hoochie Coo)" ft. Mos Def and Jim Jones and "What You Do To Me" ft. Billy Danze, Jim Jones & Nicole Wray.

Keep it brassy and sassy.

Love,
Heidi

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

First and Impure






My reasons for starting this blog weren't entirely pure. I made the decision after reading a blog drowning in so much self-importance, I had to excuse myself to watch the Tyra Banks Show. It irritated me that this person was so proud of their own vanity, ignorance and humorless quips. I thought, "I could be just as proud of my poor attempts at entertainment as this "person"."


But after some thought, I came up with an even better goal. This blog is dedicated to brass. You know, being bold, brazen and saucy. Not necessarily achieving brass, but striving for it. It's a word I came to love with my dear friend Ashley. I googled the term "brassy lady" and the above image is what I found. Well done Google, well done.

Talk to you soon Diary! Er...Blog. You so brassy.