I'm about to share something that might make you think that I am without taste. You may even be correct. Regardless, in order to understand me, it is important to understand the effect that Tom Cruise has had on my life. Stay with me.
When I was four-years-old I watched the 1988 film "Cocktail". As you know, it was a box office smash that garnered Tom Cruise a Razzie Award for Worst Actor. No other movie has had as profound an effect on my life. I have watched it approximately 7.2 billion times over the years. Now, being that I was four, I don't think it was the alcohol, sex or suicide that drew me in. It was Tom Cruise. I didn't understand romantic love, but I knew I wanted to be Elisabeth Shue desperately. I wanted to walk around in my black one-piece, hug Tom Cruise (the sex part didn't completely make sense to me) and watch him throw bottles to Robert Palmer songs all day long.
It was harmless enough, I thought. But I have these "great", "responsible" parents, who were all, "This is inappropriate. You're not allowed to watch this." I'm sure it was alarming that their sweet little curly blond-haired daughter somehow discovered "Cocktail" and kept begging to watch it over and over. They tried all sorts of ways to stop me. But just like Jordan's father in the movie, they couldn't keep me away from Brian Flanagan.
In general, loving this particular Tom Cruise movie is a very lonely place to be. People just don't understand. When you love something this incredibly mediocre, you should never try to share it. A lesson I will never learn. If you spend any significant amount of time with me, I will make you watch Cocktail, you, in turn, will make fun of it, I will resent you, and we will both wish the whole thing never happened. Case in point, when I suggested watching it with my ex-boyfriend's religious sister. That is when I first learned that sometimes I have appaulingly poor judgment. In my defense, she said she loved Tom Cruise. I should have known she meant "Legend" Tom Cruise. The problem is, I never realize just how much sex is in the movie until Gina Gershon is naked, thrashing sheets with a bottle of whiskey. I'm sure his sister thought I was an alcoholic sex-maniac by the time it was over, and I'm very sure she was happy when we broke up.
This movie played a huge role in determining my "type". To this day any guy becomes 50% more attractive standing behind "3 feet of mahogany". Now, bartenders are great people, but the profession in itself is actually not always the ideal reason to date a guy. I won't go into too much detail, but I once spent 6 months pining over a bartender simply because he looked like Brad Pitt from Snatch. Don't worry, this makes me hate me as well.
Cocktail has had some positive effects on my life though. I don't wear a lot of make up. Elisabeth Shue didn't wear a lot of make up. Coincidence? I don't think so. Also, I am not a gold digger. Gold digging and going after the "rich chick" end very badly in Cocktail. I'd like to think I wouldn't be a gold digger regardless, but who can tell?
Over the years, I have had to defend this movie and Tom Cruise more times than could possibly be counted. There's always the "Scientology" thing, the "gay" thing, and the "it's a shitty movie" thing. And I will admit that even my deep loyalty started to fade, when the couch jumping began. But then, in the midst of his crazy train ride of 2005, I met him.
When I was four-years-old I watched the 1988 film "Cocktail". As you know, it was a box office smash that garnered Tom Cruise a Razzie Award for Worst Actor. No other movie has had as profound an effect on my life. I have watched it approximately 7.2 billion times over the years. Now, being that I was four, I don't think it was the alcohol, sex or suicide that drew me in. It was Tom Cruise. I didn't understand romantic love, but I knew I wanted to be Elisabeth Shue desperately. I wanted to walk around in my black one-piece, hug Tom Cruise (the sex part didn't completely make sense to me) and watch him throw bottles to Robert Palmer songs all day long.
It was harmless enough, I thought. But I have these "great", "responsible" parents, who were all, "This is inappropriate. You're not allowed to watch this." I'm sure it was alarming that their sweet little curly blond-haired daughter somehow discovered "Cocktail" and kept begging to watch it over and over. They tried all sorts of ways to stop me. But just like Jordan's father in the movie, they couldn't keep me away from Brian Flanagan.
In general, loving this particular Tom Cruise movie is a very lonely place to be. People just don't understand. When you love something this incredibly mediocre, you should never try to share it. A lesson I will never learn. If you spend any significant amount of time with me, I will make you watch Cocktail, you, in turn, will make fun of it, I will resent you, and we will both wish the whole thing never happened. Case in point, when I suggested watching it with my ex-boyfriend's religious sister. That is when I first learned that sometimes I have appaulingly poor judgment. In my defense, she said she loved Tom Cruise. I should have known she meant "Legend" Tom Cruise. The problem is, I never realize just how much sex is in the movie until Gina Gershon is naked, thrashing sheets with a bottle of whiskey. I'm sure his sister thought I was an alcoholic sex-maniac by the time it was over, and I'm very sure she was happy when we broke up.
This movie played a huge role in determining my "type". To this day any guy becomes 50% more attractive standing behind "3 feet of mahogany". Now, bartenders are great people, but the profession in itself is actually not always the ideal reason to date a guy. I won't go into too much detail, but I once spent 6 months pining over a bartender simply because he looked like Brad Pitt from Snatch. Don't worry, this makes me hate me as well.
Cocktail has had some positive effects on my life though. I don't wear a lot of make up. Elisabeth Shue didn't wear a lot of make up. Coincidence? I don't think so. Also, I am not a gold digger. Gold digging and going after the "rich chick" end very badly in Cocktail. I'd like to think I wouldn't be a gold digger regardless, but who can tell?
Over the years, I have had to defend this movie and Tom Cruise more times than could possibly be counted. There's always the "Scientology" thing, the "gay" thing, and the "it's a shitty movie" thing. And I will admit that even my deep loyalty started to fade, when the couch jumping began. But then, in the midst of his crazy train ride of 2005, I met him.
I told myself that I was over it. I told myself that he was crazy. But when I got within a few feet of him, my four-year-old self took over. I was enveloped in a haze that I had no control over. I grabbed a folder out of my bag, walked right up to him and frantically said, "I've loved you since I was four-years-old and saw you in Cocktail." He did just what you'd think. He laughed hysterically, with his big-toothy-movie-star laugh, patted my arm, thanked me and roared away on his motorcycle to the hilltop tower where Katie Holmes was no doubt waiting . He will never again be the Tom Cruise that I fell in love with, but I will always have a soft spot for him in my heart.
So the next time you're sitting on the couch, and TBS comes on, and you see a handsome man wearing baggy, tropical shirts, give him a chance. I give you permission to turn the channel just before Doug kills himself. But come back for the wholesome family ending. Also, invite me over. I'll quote all the best parts and show you the scenes where his hair is longer because he was shooting "Days of Thunder". See you soon!
So the next time you're sitting on the couch, and TBS comes on, and you see a handsome man wearing baggy, tropical shirts, give him a chance. I give you permission to turn the channel just before Doug kills himself. But come back for the wholesome family ending. Also, invite me over. I'll quote all the best parts and show you the scenes where his hair is longer because he was shooting "Days of Thunder". See you soon!
Yep, I did just write a lengthy blog about "Cocktail".
