Perfect People Climb a Mountain

Get ready to feel really terrible about yourself. Jessica Biel and some other infuriating earth savers are here to ensure it.

The perfect-posteriored actress just joined a group of young entertainers and philanthropists to scale Mount Kilimanjaro. They made the journey to draw attention to the dire water crisis in Africa. To them I say this: Ok we get it. You're young, you're rich, you're fit, you're beautiful, you care about stuff blah, blah, blah. But do you all really have to flaunt it while we, the poor masses, sit at our desks trying to muster the energy to get to the gym for 20 minutes on the stationary bike, and sweep the kitchen? How am I supposed to feel proud that I walked around the block during my break, when Jessica "Perfect Ass" Biel is scaling a mountain for clean water? And I thought it was really nice of me when I helped an old lady put batteries in her remote control yesterday. But now, I feel like I should be doing more charity crap. I'm already quite tired.

Yes, we are the victims in this. Not these mysterious people with the dirty drinking water. Who are these people anyway? I would also like to add that sometimes I drink water straight out of the tap, and I don't even filter it. Where are my advocates? Who's climbing a mountain for me? Puts things in perspective doesn't it?

The group even started a website to document their journey. I made the mistake of reading their bios. By the end I wanted to curl up on the floor and dip chocolate in peanut butter while listening to Damien Rice. Now, in hopes that you will all feel equally inferior, enjoy these excerpts:

Kenna (Creator/Singer): Created the Summit on the Summit journey. He is asking friends and future generations to step up to the plate and take responsibility for the world we live in.

Jessica Biel (Actress/Altruist/Perfect Ass): says she's proud to, "help any way I can to raise awareness toward the life-threatening clean water crisis happening not only in Africa, but around the world." She co-founded the Make A Difference Foundation with her father and has won several philanthropy awards.

Alexandra Cousteau (Water Expert/Explorer/Granddaughter of Jacques): "...pioneering environmental conservation and awareness initiatives throughout the world. Alexandra is currently a National Geographic Emerging Explorer and recently completed a 100-day journey across 5 continents to explore the most critical water issues of our time."

Jimmy Chin (Photographer): "Jimmy has climbed Mt. Everest two times and has skied the mountin from the summit. He is considered one of the most sought-after expedition photographers today."

Kick Kennedy (Student/Activist): "Daughter of Robert F. Kennedy junior, she is an ambassador for the Waterkeeper Alliance, the global organization connecting and supporting waterkeeper programs on six continents to provide a voice for waterways and their communities."

I guess these people probably aren't all bad. I guess it's really cool that they care about stuff. I guess we aren't really the victims (The people in Africa probably have the dirtier water, making them the victims). So to Jessica Biel and your fellow climbers, good job, or whatever. Also, Jessica, you have a very nice ass, and I'm happy for you. Really.

Love,
Heidi

The New Yorker has a fascinating article about the lovely, floating picture-of-perfection Miss Grace Kelly. The article includes a famous quote from Alfred Hitchcock discussing the allure of a woman who leaves something to the imagination. I couldn't help but notice the glaring similarity between his quote and something Ludacris once said:

Hitchcock: “if sex is too blatant or obvious, there’s no suspense. You know why I favor sophisticated blondes in my films? We’re after the drawing-room type, the real ladies, who become whores once they’re in the bedroom.”

Ludacris: "...we want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed."

I wonder if the similarities between these two ends there? I bet Hitchcock had hos in lots of area codes.